I am going home tomorrow…Spending my last day getting a Thai massage and exploring a new mall. So many malls here in Bangkok. Its definitely a beautiful city. I have no clue what to do when I am home. Whatever home means to me. I find comfort in thinking about leaving home and going to another country to work or teach English. So many options, but one that does not sound good is staying home.
I am stressed out by my own expectations to help my family out…
Journal Entry: 07.30.2014
Sitting at the airport waiting for my flight…I am reminded of what George told me. He said that he envies some aspect of certain people’s lives, but he does not wish his life to be theirs. He is perfectly content with his life. George is a great person. He has taught me a lesson that I am too stubborn to learn. Hopefully, that will change as I gather more of the world’s perspectives.
After arriving in Taiwan, I realized that I don’t think I’ll be home for long. There is a mystique about China, Taiwan, Korea and Japan that draws me to them. A really nice lady at the Taiwan airport gave me some change to buy a drink. So kind of her.
Back home. Home just doesn’t feel the same, but I’m home nonetheless. I feel as though my wings have been tied up again. Back into the cage I go….for now. It feels so surreal. Did that trip even took place? Did I meet all those people and seen all those places?
Journal Entry: 07.31.2014
I have Bangkok on my mind. I know no one there misses me, but I can’t help feel like that is the society that I belong in. The world is huge. Yet it seems so small. 15 hours away is a completely different world. I have come to accept my life, my loneliness, myself as I am. I’m tired of trying to improve myself. I’m just going to enjoy life and if self improvement is part of the process, then that would be awesome. Gone will be the days of me trying to be someone I’m not. No more drugs or alcohol to help become someone I want to be. Instead, I love being me the way I am. Shy, humble caring and free..
Journal Entry: 08.01.2014
For The Foodies:
Being back is still difficult. Especially, being home alone in my room. I have trouble getting my sleeping hours back on track. Frustrating.
Journal Entry: 08.04.2014
I got a normal night of sleep again last night. It was frustrating and I was tempted to take a sleeping pill, but I trusted my body and waited patiently for it to adapt. I’m getting flash backs of my trips. It is flooding back into my mind. My emotions are shook. I would like to be out there in the world again, soon. I’ve also adapted back to life here at home in L.A. Life is too short…I have picked up a lot of similar characteristics from gramma and grampa. Some good and some bad. Depends on your interpretation and perspective. I’m proud of it regardless because it has gotten me here in life and allowed me to do all the things I’ve dreamt of.
Being home is depressing for me. I feel depress. All the things I felt before I left are still lingering with me. I need to move out of this house…If my depression persist then, I wouldn’t know what to do. Life as an adult is no fun. No fun at all…
Journal Entry: 08.07.2014